Messdeck Mirth
Sailors past and present are renowned for their superb sense of humour, and we have all been subjected to the phrase "If you can't take a joke you shouldn't have joined", so it only seems fair that there should be a slot so we can display some of the funnies that come our way.

All contributions are of course very welcome, but please do not be offended if your particular rib tickler does not make it into print.  The PC Police are everywhere - with some getting their fun by spoiling other peoples - so we have had to exercise a degree of restraint and subtlety.

However, if you are of a delicate disposition this may be a good time to log off from this website.


The Second
HMS Manchester Association
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How To Fire An Employee

Whether hiring or firing, it comes down to finding the right person with the right qualifications to do the specific job.

All the members of the company's Board of Directors were called into the Chairman's office, one after another, until only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally, it was his turn to be summoned.

Ted entered the office to find the Chairman and the other six Directors seated at the far end of the boardroom table.

Ted was instructed to stand at the other end of the table, which he did.

The Chairman looked Ted squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, he asked:

"Have you ever had sex with my secretary, Miss Floyd?"

"Oh, no, sir, positively not...!" Ted replied.

"Are you absolutely sure...?" asked the chairman.

"Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her...!"

"You'd swear to that...?"

"Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Miss Floyd, anytime, anywhere.." insisted Ted.

"Good, then YOU fire her."

These facts are irrefutable ...

A wise person once said:

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realise that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

2. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - 

3. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Fosters, Victoria Bitter, XXXX & Crown Lager.
    Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.


4. I haven't verified this on Google but it sounds legit. 
    A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

I was in Tesco's on Guernsey and asked where the new potatoes were.
"On the next aisle" he said.
So I popped over to Jersey!

My mate set me up on a blind date.
He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know.  She's expecting a baby."
I felt like a right bloody idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy!

I got an odd job man in today, I gave him a specific list of 8 jobs to do and he only did 1,3,5 & 7!

I've just fell over on the pavement in my street...
I've left a review on trip advisor!

Congratulations to Hugh Zappritti Boyden on his new role as Chairman of the British Budgerigar Association!

I went to the hospital for a check up and the security guy said "You can't park there, it's for Badge holders only".
I shouted back, "Yes I know, I have a bad shoulder"

I walked into B&Q today and this bloke in an orange and black uniform asked me if I wanted decking.
Fortunately, I got the first punch in and that was that.  But others may not be so lucky, so be on your guard!

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one - and let the other one off.

I had my house painted last week, the guy was an airline pilot made redundant because of COVID.
He made a great job of the landing!

Got a bottle of Newcastle Brown stuck on my foot.
It's an ingrowing toon ale.

My mate is a London taxi driver.  We call him Robin Hood because he only drives between Bow and Harrow.

A Brummie walks into a tailors, "Alroit mate, I'd like a 70's suit please."  The tailor says, "Certainly sir, and would you like a kipper tie?"  The Brummie says, "Thanks mate, white with two sugars please."

Premature ejaculator seeks tall, hot girl with long legs, great arse, big perky tits and...
Never mind!

When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.  One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters "PNEIS" into a name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered spine are doctors today!
What has 2 wings and an arrow?
A Chinese telephone.
"Wing, Wing"

My wife shouted to me;
"Hey, the sun's coming out."
I put on my shorts, Hawaiian shirt and glip glops and went downstairs to see my son holding hands with his boyfriend..

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet?
I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either!

What have Jurgen Klopp and Prince Harry got in common?
They both have German heritage and will both have to give up their titles in 2021..

The Russian acrobat in the human pyramid retired and now the troop doesn't have Oleg to stand on.