Messdeck Mirth - Page 2
The Second
HMS Manchester Association
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An Aussie Blonde goes to Heaven

A big buxom Aussie Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven.  Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.  "I'm sorry," St Peter said, "But heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals."

"That's cool," said the Blonde, "What does the Entrance Exam consist of?"

"Just three questions", said St Peter.

"Which are?" asked the Blonde.

"The first," said St Peter, "Is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'"?  "The second is "How many seconds are there in a year?" and the third is "What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"

"Now, said St Peter, "Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me."

So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same!).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, "I have."

"Well then," said St Peter, "Which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

The Blonde said, "Today and Tomorrow".

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

"Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions," St Peter went on "How many seconds in a year?"

The Blonde replied, "Twelve!"

"Only twelve" exclaimed St Peter, "How did you arrive at that figure?"

"Easy", said the Blonde, "there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds."

St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, "I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision."  And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde.  "I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.  Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"

The Blonde replied, "Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer."

"Really!" exclaimed St Peter, "And what is the answer?"

"It's Andy."


"Yes, Andy," said the Blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer.  Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the Blonde, asked, "How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?"

"Easy", said the Blonde, "Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled."

And the Blonde entered Heaven...?

... you're singing it now, aren't you...??

A Liverpool fan just asked me if I knew a good place for a holiday.  I said you can't beat Brighton!!...

Went for a job interview at IKEA.
The Manager said to me, Come in, make a seat."

I'm not saying it's rough where I live, but Aldi are selling Father's day cards in packs of 5.

I wanted to watch the World Origami Championship but it was only on paper view.

I've set up a website for depressed tennis players...
The servers are currently down...

Went to the pub dressed as a tennis ball.
I got served straight away.

My brother quit his job last year to become a mime artist.
I haven't heard from him since.

The wife's best friend asked me how I was going to make my wife go weak at the knees for Valentine's Day?
I said I'd hide her arthritis tablets.

I've nearly perfected my Elvis tribute act.
Just need a little less conversation.

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey.  When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"
The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."
"Hanging?  Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.
"Well," said the bartender, "He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
"Weird guy," said the cowboy.  "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling," said the bartender.