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Sailors past and present are renowned for their superb sense of humour, and we have all been subjected to the phrase "If you can't take a joke you shouldn't have joined", so it only seems fair that there should be a slot so we can display some of the funnies that come our way.

All contributions are of course very welcome, but please do not be offended if your particular rib tickler does not make it into print. The PC Police are everywhere - with some getting their fun by spoiling other peoples - so we have had to exercise a degree of restraint and subtlety.

However, if you are of a delicate disposition this may be a good time to log off from this website.

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Jack and Miss World - Shipwrecked!

There was a matelot from a sleek Pompey-based Type 42 and Miss World both shipwrecked on a desert island.

They make themselves a mud hut each at either end of the island, but agree to meet up at the palm tree in the middle every Saturday night for a run ashore.

After a few months they both get a bit carried away and they do the deed. Afterwards while they are lying there under the stars enjoying a blue liner, Jack leans across and says, 'That was fantastic...but could you do me a favour?'.

'Of course Jack' says Miss world, 'After that I would do anything, what have you got in mind?'.

'Well," says Jack, 'I know we don't usually meet up on a Sunday lunchtime, but could we meet up at the palm tree tomorrow?'

'Ok' says Miss World, little realising she had got off lightly. 'And,' says Jack, 'could you please wear these No8's.'

A little surprised, she agrees and they go their separate ways back to their own huts.

Sunday lunchtime comes round and Jack walks up to the palm tree and meets up with Miss World who is wearing the No 8's.

'Hello mate', says Jack, 'You'll never guess who I shagged last night...........'

(Anonymous - 2011)

MEDICAL TERM	IRISH DEFINITION
Artery	The study of paintings
Bacteria	Back door of cafeteria
Barium	What doctors do when patients die
Benign	What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section	A neighbourhood in Rome
Cat scan	Searching for kitty
Cauterize	Made eye contact with her
Colic	A sheep dog
Coma	A punctuation mark
Dilate	To live long
Enema	Not a friend
Fester	Quicker than someone else
Impotent	Distinguished, well known
Labour pain	Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff	A Doctor's cane
Morbid	A higher offer
Nitrates	Rates of pay for working at night, normally more money than days
Node	I knew it
Outpatient	A person who has fainted
Pelvis	Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative	A letter carrier
Recovery room	Place to do upholstery
Rectum	Nearly killed him
Secretion	Hiding something
Seizure	Roman Emperor
Tablet	A small table
Terminal Illness	Getting sick at the airport
Tumour	One plus one more
Urine	Opposite of you're out

The Hotel Bill

A retired Jenny Wren decided to give herself a big treat for her significant 70th birthday, by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels.

When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast."

The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate', so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "The hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them," said the ex-Jenny.

"Well, they are here, and you could have, "explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," Jenny said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No mater what amenity the Manager mentioned, Jenny replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with is standard response.

After several minutes discussion with the Manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to him.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is for only £50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me," Jenny said.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with Senior Citizens

(Mike Smith - 2011)