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Lord Nelson was only five feet tall. His statue in Trafalgar square is fifteen feet tall.

That's Horatio of 3:1.

I bought a jumper which just kept picking up loads of static, so I took it back and they gave me another one free of charge.

Tottenham Hotspur have been drawn to play Locomotive Plovdiv in the Europa Cup qualifying round.

In case you haven’t heard of them they are a team from North London who have not won the league for over 50 years!

From Monday the Seven Dwarfs are not allowed to meet together. One of them is not Happy.

For those of my generation who do not, and cannot, comprehend why Facebook exists, I am trying to make friends without Facebook while applying the same principles.

Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom. I give them pictures of my family, my dog, my car and of me gardening. Taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does everyday. I also listen to their conversations, give them "thumbs up" and tell them I "like" them.

And it works,... just like Facebook!!

I already have 4 people following me:

2 police officers,

a private investigator,

and a psychiatrist.

It's been so hot that lots of people have been passing out on the London Eye.

Don't worry though - they are slowly coming round.

Sad to announce that the Origami Club has folded.

I find as I get older I only need 3 shops in my life, Specsavers, Boots and Greggs.

My life is all specs, drugs and sausage rolls.

My girlfriend saw me on my laptop the other day,"what are you looking at?" she asked.

"Cheap flights" I replied. Well within seconds she dragged me upstairs, ripped off my clothes and had mad passionate sex with me.

Funny that. She has never shown that much interest in my darts before............

I have a problem with one of my feet....

I didn't think orthopaedic shoes would help......

But I stand corrected!

The boss of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia whilst trecking across Antartica.

Medics who found him said, "he needed a second coat".

I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

I heard internet addiction is now an official mental disorder and you can go to rehab for it.

I am only going if they have Wi-Fi.

Last year I visited the birthplace of the person who invented the toothbrush, and was surprised to find there is no plaque.

I didn't understand why my wife said I shouldn't hold the bag of pasta upside down.

Then the penne dropped.

Just cleared out my Dusty Springfield collection of records and memorabilia.

Now, I just don't know what to do with my shelf.

"999, Police, how can we help?"

"I'm being burgled"

"Sorry, can't send anyone, all busy"

"There's 3 of them and 4 of us already live here"

"We're on our way".

Son: "I've got a part in the school play. I play a man who has been married for 25 years.

Dad: "Maybe next year you will get a speaking part"

Celebrity Satnavs are rubbish.

First I had the U2 one but the streets had no names and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

Then I tried the Bonnie Tyler one but it kept telling me to turn around and every now and then it falls apart.

My wife said she wanted something nice and silky for her birthday.

No doubt this tin of Dulux will be the wrong colour.

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn't like it, but I found the plinth charming.

I have a Charles Dickens spice rack. It has the best of thymes and the worst of thymes.

I quit my job at the helium factory.

I'm not being spoken to in that tone.

Just got myself a seniors GPS.

Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there!

I asked my boss, "What do you want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubbly wrap?"

He said, "Just pop it in the corner."

4 hours it took me!